It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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