it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
