I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
nutella sex= disaster
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
