id be glad to
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
