If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
