I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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