It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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