I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
