he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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