He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
