there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
