I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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