What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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