yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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