I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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