do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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