I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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