you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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