I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
