You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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