I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
