My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I didn't notice because vodka
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
