Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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