guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
well I can't set my house on fire every night
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Bring me that man meat
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
