A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
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