I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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