Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
