I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
