What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
