So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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