my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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