My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
