I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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