Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize