you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
