Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
