ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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