Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
