I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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