broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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