Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
