can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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