just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
