Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
