I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Randomize
