I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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