if i can run in heels then i can drive
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
