I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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