I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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