Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
