i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
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