She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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