I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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