I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
