I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
my shit smells like andre
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
did i just pee glitter
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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