I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
