So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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